Most children's games and activities require more than one player, and so knowing how to invite others into their games, or themselves into others' games, is an essential skill. Knowing a variety of ways of asking, "Can I play?" makes the child appear a more interesting playmate and increases their chance of an acceptance. Body language is also very important, with a loud-enough voice, a smile and standing tall, all being signs that project an image of fun, energy and co-operation, and therefore more likely to invite an answer of, "Yes, you can play!"
So here are four skills that will increase a child's chance of being permitted to join in a game.
1. Look happy
It may seem obvious to an adult that if you want to be included in a game - and you're the one asking to join in - then it makes sense to appear friendly and happy. It is easy to assume that your child knows this little nugget of knowledge, but of course they may not, and perhaps the rebuffs result from their appearing tentative or serious when approaching others. So emphasize the value of a smile and remind them that: "You can't forget your smile, because it's right under your nose - ready for action."
2. Use a loud voice
A loud voice is another body language message that communicates confidence, a real motivation to be part of the action and the ability to bring energy and enthusiasm to a game - in other words, someone who would be an asset. And using a loud voice is something most, if not all, children can actually do without a lot of effort or practise.
3. Stand tall
Once again, standing tall with shoulders back and literally 'keeping your chin up' communicates strength, determination and a real desire to be part of the action.
4. Ask a variety of questions
"Can I play?" is the most common question that children use to invite themselves into a game, and although it may meet with success - particularly for the child who has mastered the art of the above three points - for the child who appears less confident, such a bland question won't help overcome any of their other short comings. And once again, suggesting different questions and getting children to practise them is not difficult; in fact most children really love to try out new combinations, particularly when they see the success that results. Trying out even one new question per month means at the end of the school year the child will have a new repertoire of ways to invite themselves into games. Here are some different questions that you can role-play with your child:
"That game looks like it's fun, do you mind if I join in?"; "Do you need anyone else in that game?"; "When you've finished that round, could I please join in?"; "Would you be able to teach me how to play that game?"; "If you teach me that game, I can teach you one that I know".
If you would like to have a clearer understanding of your child's strengths and weaknesses in a play situation, plan a family picnic at a playground - possibly one that is not in your neighbourhood - so that the other children are more likely to be strangers. Try to find a playground with a collection of different equipment and which is used by a variety of ages. Observe how your child shares the space with others and negotiates using the equipment, and afterwards talk about the experience - their successes and challenges; what worked and what didn't work.
Learning how to improve relationships is a lifetime journey for everyone; children are at the beginning of that journey and so help them learn some great foundations, because it is something that parents can do. Knowing how to successfully gain entry to games is an essential playground skill and one that all children can master with some coaching from an adult.
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