We can all speak to other people and we each have unique ways of doing this. Why do people miscommunicate and why do people "hear" different meanings?
Speaking is when you are sharing your message with someone else. To increase our skills in speaking we must first realize that we can only come from our own perspective. What is true for you may not be true for me. Making this realization offers a chance for us to check our assumptions. When we want to share a message we must first relate to the person before we can convey the meaning we want to convey.
In practice, I may desire to talk with you about education counseling. I have some firm beliefs I want to share with you and you have your beliefs to share with me. As we begin to converse, in order for our conversation to go anywhere, we must have some foundation to move from. Perhaps we begin with a question, such as, "What do you see happening in education today?" or "What are the school budget cutbacks doing to students?" Within questions are some underlying assumptions. In the first question there is an assumption that we both see and care about education enough to be thinking about it. The second question has the assumption that all schools (or most) are experiencing cutbacks and this affects students in some form.
To just begin a conversation with someone we have to relate to each other first. How does this happen? This occurs primarily through our non-verbal communication. Non-verbal communication is transmitted through the way we dress, make eye contact, shake hands, and move our bodies in general. Some say that non-verbal communication can carry 70% or more of our message to a listener. Is this important?
How important are first impressions?
Step One-Non-Verbal Communication
The first way to increase our skill of speaking to people and getting our message across is to practice and be intentional with our non-verbal communication. Ask yourself, "Am I being congruent with my non-verbal communication and the messages I want to convey?" Wearing a tuxedo into a High School assembly hall may or may not work for your message.
Step Two-Speaking Your Truth
The second skill to practice is to come only from your truth when speaking. This means using "I" statements and staying away from generalizations. For example, "we all feel" is a generalization-use "I feel" to convey your truth. This gives you ownership for your thoughts and, on another level, this empowers you to take control of the situation-we will address the power of our thoughts in another article.
Step Three-Check Your Assumptions
I assume you know what assumptions can do. We can check assumptions simply by asking the person(s) about our assumption. In order to check our assumptions we must first become aware of our assumptions. Begin practicing this by clarifying definitions of words. For example, in the sentence above, education counseling can be defined in multiple ways. We may enter into a conversation using the same words: however, we are actually speaking about two very different things! Define your words, and then continue to define your perspectives to gain a clearer picture. This leads us into step four.
Step Four-Create a Shared Mental Model
A shared mental model refers to simply being on the same page. When we have a shared mental model with someone else we are relating to them. In a physical sense, our brains get on the same wave length. We can practice creating a shared mental model anytime we are making decisions with other people. Simple decisions, such as where to eat or what bag of chips to buy, can offer us an experience within which we can practice creating shared mental models. Questions are our biggest tools. Using questions, mostly open ended questions, we can understand another person's vision and clarify our assumptions.
We all need to be heard. When people listen to us we actually release good feeling hormones in our brains (women more than men) and it is something we crave. The way we head into conversations can oftentimes affect the way people listen to us. In order to get a person completely listening to us (which does feel great), we can practice a few simple skills. Using the skills of speaking intentionally and on purpose increases our effectiveness tenfold.
Matthew Kuehlhorn is the Teenager's Counselor. He teaches the "Rules of the Road, Business, Finance, Life" to people ages 12-17 years old.
Matthew has created the Relationship Building System for Teens that will guarantee an increase in positive and successful relationships. Using the system can reduce or eliminate all negative relationships such as bullying.
Mathew believes that Middle School is NOT what it used to be. No longer is it the stopping point between elementary school and high school. Middle School is for the people who want to gain the "keys to the car" and explore their independence.
Matthew provides resources for this age group at http://www.middleschoolcounselor.com/.