A year ago, my husband and I decided to let our preschoolers share a room. Although they loved the experience, our connection with them suffered and we soon recognized the cause-less time alone with each child. Before combining their rooms, we chatted about our days, read books, sang songs, and snuggled at bedtime and morning time with each of them separately. Although we maintained the same routines with the shared room, the time we spent with both children together left us unfulfilled. Although we quickly ended the combined room arrangement, we left the experience with greater appreciation for engaging one-on-one and developed a new tradition: 15 minutes of daily "special time" with each child.
See what just 15 minutes a day can do for you.
Balance interactions
Parents of multiples rarely get much time alone with each child, and interactions about their children's interactions (i.e., conflicts) often take over what little time they get. Spending time alone with your children guarantees they receive plenty of positive experiences with you to balance out the negative.
Foster connection
Even when parents get the chance to engage in personal conversations with their individual children, the conversations often suffer with siblings listening, interrupting, changing topics, making demands, expressing boredom, and so on. Without competition from siblings, a child can speak at her own pace, explore her interests, and get deeper into topics. Knowing a child only as she is with siblings means knowing only one (and not always the best) side of her.
Improve self-esteem
We all know that actions speak louder than words. We tell our children how much we love and like them, but do our actions say the same? Spending uninterrupted time with your child alone gives him a chance to be your first priority and proves you truly enjoy his company. Providing such concrete proof does much more for a child's self-esteem than expressing the same sentiments with empty words.
Decrease challenging behavior
Children behave well when they feel good about themselves and they feel good about themselves when they see themselves through their parents' eyes and like what they see. Thus, the positive feelings from spending time one-on-one leads to better behavior at other times. Clinging and seeking extra attention also decrease when children know they can depend on uninterrupted attention later.
Get more from reading
Because of varying ages and tastes, few siblings always enjoy or get the most out of the same books. Reading with multiples often becomes yet another hard lesson in taking turns as they fight over who gets to choose the book, answer the questions, and turn the pages. While taking turns offers important experience for social skill development, it takes away from the full and wonderful experience reading a book offers.
"Special time" can be anything from playing on the floor together every morning to taking walks together on the weekends. Time together is considered "special" when it's labeled as such and involves one child, one parent, and no interruptions. For my special time, I take each of our children for 15 minutes, letting them lead the play and ignoring the phone and computer completely. When I'm unable to play at other times during the day, I simply say, "Sorry I can't play right now, but I'm really looking forward to our special time together this evening." Just 15 minutes lets them know how much they mean to me, and how much I enjoy them as individuals, in a way my words alone never could.
Laurie Davala is a Certified Positive Discipline Parenting Educator, Early Intervention Specialist, and mother of two young children. Visit her website at http://www.pdparenting.com/ to learn more about her philosophy and classes or contact her at laurie@pdparenting.com or via her blog at http://www.pdparenting.com/blog to receive free parenting advice.