An event like the Fourmile Fire, can be incredibly traumatic when seen through a child's eyes. Their metaphor for safety and security, their home, is threatened. Their parents are under tremendous stress. They are faced with choosing their most important possessions and leaving behind many others. In the most serious of cases, they watched their homes being engulfed in flames and can never go back. It is extremely important, in the wake of this disaster, for the adults to know what sorts of reactions to expect from their kids and to be prepared with ways to help children cope in the aftermath.
Young children (ages 3-11) don't express their stresses and anxieties with words as adults do. Their reactions are typically manifested through other outlets. An event, such as a fire, represents something uncontrollable in a child's mind. Since our inner worlds are reflections of our outer worlds, we may see children exhibiting reactionary, "out-of-control" behaviors, including tantrums, acting out, crying, or bedwetting. After a traumatic event like a fire, young people often replay the event in their minds and re=experience the trauma in bad dreams, images and flashbacks. Their levels of anxiety are heightened, leading to difficulty sleeping, restlessness, hyper-vigilance or uncharacteristic irritability.
For most of us, home represents a sense of safety and security. The children affected by the fire had the four walls that helped them feel secure suddenly taken away from them. These children may also be experiencing a loss of trust, both in their caretakers and in their world at large. Their feelings of insecurity and fear may be manifested as regression, meaning that the child will act younger than his/her age. She may talk in baby talk, want to be held or rocked, perhaps even want to drink from a bottle. For many parents, it is difficult to see their eight-year-olds acting like babies-it can feel like a huge step backwards in their development; but these are normal responses in the wake of a catastrophe. And, like any of the reactions children exhibit, they are opportunities to respond empathically and help them process what they have been through in the past months.
When helping children cope with the effects of a one-time trauma, such as a fire, it is important to realize that their behaviors come from their fears for their safety and from grieving the loss they've suffered. It is extremely important not to minimize the child's feelings or experience, but to respond in ways that are validating, empathic and honest. Examples of validating statements that can respond to children's seemingly difficult behavior include: "You want me to know how mad you feel," or, "You feel really sad when you think about your old toys."
Parents and caretakers will want to spend a lot of time talking about the events using the child's own language. To protect kids from being triggered, monitor the media coverage and adult conversations they are exposed to. Answer children's questions genuinely and don't be put off by repeated questions. This is a clue that the topic is of particular importance to the child and there is something about it they aren't grasping.
Listening to children tell their stories may be one of the most important things we can do for them. Children are our teachers. They intuitively know what they need to heal and feel better, so by truly listening, we tap into their inner wisdom and can learn ways to better help them.
Trauma is stored and acted out in the body, thus, children will need sensory, tactile stimulation to work through their emotions and feel grounded. Provide them with lots of opportunities to work with their hands in sand, water, dirt, clay. Ask them about the way these things feel to touch. Help them find appropriate outlets for releasing their anger, such as physical activity. Let them run around, play, kick, slap (objects that are suitable for doing so). Be prepared for intense emotions and have some tools to help them become calm again, in order to deal with outbursts in a more amenable manner. Maintain limits, as children need these to feel in control, and help them to understand what behaviors are acceptable. After children have played really hard or have spent some time talking about intense experiences, shift gears to a calming activity, taking some deep breaths and reading a book or listening to soothing music, to help regulate their nervous systems.
When kids express regressive behaviors, it's important to remember that these are their ways of communicating that they feel unsafe and are in need of some extra attention. This is ok. In fact, it's an opportunity for caretakers to help children re-build their internal sense of security. When kids are exhibiting regressive behaviors, don't talk them out of it. Instead, give them some extra affection, touch and nurturing. Make reassuring statements like, "You're safe here with me now." Since bedtime may be extra difficult because of separation anxiety and fear of the dark, this is also a time for some extra closeness and cuddling. Help your child find ways to feel safe again. This may involve choosing a safety object (i.e. a blanket, a stuffed animal, a toy) and respect the fact that the child is externalizing his/her need for safety until it can be re-integrated into her internal self.
Now that the fire is out and we are beginning to cope with the aftermath, it is a time for parents and caretakers to be attuned to children and to support them as they work through what they have just experienced. Finally, it is critical that adults are taking care of themselves so they can take care of their children. Incorporate activities into your routine (even ten minutes a day) that help you feel grounded and soothed. Children are constantly watching us to learn how to be in the world, so it is essential that we are as gentle and kind to ourselves as we want to be to our kids.
Sanam Pejuhesh, MA is a play therapist and psychotherapist in Boulder with over 20 years of experience working with children and families. She works with kids (2 1/2-11), families and adult individuals, believing that with compassion and connection, all humans (young and old) can access their innate capacity for healing and growth.
http://www.play-to-heal.com/