Your teenage daughter used to talk to you non-stop, want to hold your hand, cuddle with you when she was scared. Now, if she were to see you on the street she may just walk on by without a second glance. Let me reassure you, this IS a phase, it won't be like this forever and someday soon she will want her parents again. In the meantime, here are some excellent tips to bridge the teenage gap.
1. Win the battle or win the war? Quit nagging and pick your battles wisely. Did she leave her room a mess or did she pierce her tongue? Which one do you want to go toe-to-toe with her over? I am going to guess that the piercing is the situation I want of focus on and stand my authority on.
2. Get to know her friends. Before you judge them, get to know them. When you see your daughter interact with her friends you get a better sense of the behavior they bring out in one another. In addition, get to know the friend's parents. This is a great way to utilize the old adage "it takes a village to raise a child"
3. Give your daughter independence. Not only is this a life skill that she needs but also gives her the chance to develop her own identity. With supervised independence your daughter is offered the abilities to find her place in the world. The key to this tip is to give her independence within your parental control. Keeping in tune with her daughter and opening lines of communication is key to enabling her to be independent while making responsible decisions.
4. Lay down the law in advance. Let them know what the expectations, rules and repercussions are in advance. Just as you cannot read your child's mind, they cannot read yours. Hopefully, they have the good sense of right from wrong but pointing out what is allowed and what isn't is essential. A key component to this tip is to remain consistent and always follow through with consequences.
5. Where are you? Until your child is 18, you have every right to know their whereabouts at all times. Given that your child is behaving appropriately and following the family rules, there should be no problem in them being upfront with you and letting you know where they are going to be, what they are going to be doing and who they will be with. This is not being a nosy parent, this is being a responsible parent.
6. Talk. Have open discussions about private, funny, serious and scary things. Talk to your children about sex, drugs, drinking and driving and anything else you consider important. Share stories with them; let them know the consequences to their actions, even if it seems scary. Let them know you love them and they can always come to you no matter the situation - you may be angry, sad or hurt with what they have done but it does not mean they cannot come to you with ANYTHING they need to talk about.
7. The Game Plan. Help them figure out how to handle situations. If they are with a group of friends and have been drinking with no designated driver - tell them to call you no matter what time it may be, how much trouble they may think they are in - call you! Let them know you would rather pick them up drunk than dead. Help them figure out how to handle unsafe situations and solutions that you both are comfortable with.
8. It's ok to feel bad sometimes. Feeling good about yourself is healthy and something a parent should always consider when striving for their child's success in life. However, everyone needs to develop a conscience. If they have done something wrong, hurt someone, or lied - they should feel bad and guilty. Contrary to what you might think, this is a healthy emotion. People in general do not like to feel bad and should a similar situation arise it will make them think twice about how they handle it.
9. Be their hero. They way you act, the words you use, your work ethic and moral standards may seem unnoticed BUT they are seeping in to the person your child will become whether you realize it or not. Who you are and how you act is a crucial step in the development of your child.
10. Coach. Coach your child don't judge your child. Encourage your child to be the best she can be and set high expectations. Praise your child like no other yet offer constructive criticism as needed and most importantly set limits. Emphasize their hard work and let them know when you expect more out of them.
Parenting is never easy. Whether it is the terrible-twos, the talk-back-tens, or the unbearable teens - take time for your children no matter what their age. Keep the lines of communication open, let them know they are your first priority and you love them unconditionally. You have the authority, love and power to help you daughter grow into a successful and happy woman and guide her through her years. Be patient with her.
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