We probably hear the same questions everyday as we pass other kids at school, don't we?
"How are you doing?"
We probably give the very same answer everyday as well, don't we?
"Fine."
"Good."
Is it true though? Do we believe that? If we do believe it, do we actually live a life that would justify such an answer? Probably not, right? Isn't it true that most human beings, what we call society, the masses, walk through life in a complete and utter daze, completely self-absorbed and self-obsessed; living in our own little world, completely detached from the reality around us? Isn't that the truth? Don't we more closely resemble zombies walking the earth than dynamic, changing, and self-sufficient human beings?
I want you to think about it. This is a grown-up talk. This is a discussion for adults. Teenagers may be young, but if you are old enough to think for yourself, than you are old enough to take responsibility for the life you live, the lives you affect, and the person that you are. To those who fail to grasp what I am talking about at a deep and emotional level, this article may be somewhat depressing actually. But for those who truly understand it, it will be liberating.
We are going to think about tough questions. We are going to examine the lives of those around us, but more importantly the lives we call our own. We are going to examine ourselves, or more accurately, we will examine whatever selves we call ourselves.
What makes a murderer do what he does? Is it genetic? Is there a gene that makes one a murderer? Maybe...in a way. Maybe he or she has a certain predisposition towards violence. But what makes them actually pull the trigger, or sink the knife? What is the most direct cause of the actual decision? Isn't it the mind? Isn't it his or her mind telling him that he needs to do that, that that's the only way to satisfy whatever wrong someone or everyone has committed against him?
And what about the person who has a crippling fear of spiders? What makes him afraid? Is it learned? Perhaps. Maybe he was bitten by a spider before, and has therefore been taught by his own pain and suffering, his own experiences, that his safety and health are most assured by avoiding them. Maybe not, though. Maybe he's never in his life even seen a spider. We all know people like that, who fear that which they have never actually encountered. What then? What causes his fear? Isn't it the mind also? Isn't it his mind telling him that if he holds that spider, the spider WILL (not maybe, but will) bite him. He will die. He will then regret holding the spider.
And what about the person with low self-esteem? What causes that person to be, say, ashamed of their body? What causes the heavier girl to refuse to wear a bathing suit at the beach? Is it because of actual beach rules that state that people over X weight for Y height, and therefore defined as "fat," cannot wear bathing suits on the beach? Of course not. There exists no such rule. Isn't it her mind then? Isn't her anxiety caused by her mind's habit and desire to compare her body to others? Isn't it because her mind tells her everyday that she is fat, or ugly, and ought to be ashamed of her body?
Minds are a lot like people of their own, aren't they? They have a voice. They have opinions. They have a history. They have memories. They know everything you know, and they think they know a lot more. The loneliest people often say that their mind is their only friend, and in a way that is true of everyone. No one in this room will converse with anyone today as much as they will with their own mind. Your mind whispers to you every waking moment for the duration of your life. So let's pretend that the mind is a person. Let's give him or her a physical body. Let's pretend that this person will literally follow you every place you go, perhaps like many of your actual friends already do now.
Now let's go back to the beach. As soon as you step out of your car, your "friend," your mind, says: "You are fat. You will not look good in this bathing suit. If you wear it, you will be stared at. You will be judged. Everybody is watching you. No one thinks you are attractive." Or maybe your friend says, "Spiders kill people. You are weaker than the spider. If you hold it, it will kill you." Or maybe he says, "This person deserves to die. This person has no right to live. You should kill this person."
What do you think would happen? What do you think would happen if things like this were fed into you're your consciousness every moment of every day? Would you laugh it off as nonsense, or would you take it to heart? Maybe it'd seem ridiculous at first, but isn't it true that one day, eventually, you'd actually start to believe it. Don't believe me? Examine it for yourself. See it happen in others. See it in yourself. But why is this the case?
Well, say you were at that beach wearing that bathing suit you feared. Your friend, your mind, tells you repeatedly that you cannot wear that bathing suit. You will be stared at. You will be avoided. People will judge you negatively. As you walk up the beach to set your stuff down, a cute guy passes by and makes eye contact. The stranger doesn't say or do anything really. Doesn't smile. Doesn't frown. Doesn't say hello, but doesn't start laughing either. Your friend, your mind, tells you: "See! He didn't even acknowledge you! I told you I was right. You need to keep your shirt on over your bathing suit. This beach is filled with better bodies. What were you thinking?"
Surely some in this room have had experiences like that, or at least similar. What if we change the circumstances, would it make a difference? Say the stranger did smile, or maybe even looked away, what then? Wouldn't your friend, your mind, say: "Oh, he looked away! I told you. You look like a whale wrapped in cloth. Go back to the car right now." Or maybe, "See he smiled! But he didn't mean it. It was a pity smile, because you look like a whale wrapped in cloth."
See how your friend works. See how your mind works. The world around you is irrelevant to your mind. It creates the world it wants. The mind of a person who believes him or herself to be overweight will create the proof of that opinion. It will find it, whether it is actually there or not.
There was an episode of The Simpsons where Homer says something to the effect of: "Facts schmacts. You can prove anything even remotely true with facts." Think about that. Where it concerns our mind, it is true. We do it everyday, to our own demise. Those who believe in God have proven its truth. They see his existence in every sunrise and every birth, every good fortune and every bad fortune. Those who believe no God exists have also proven that truth. They see his non-existence in every cell divided and ancient skeleton found, every happy turn of chance and every senseless tragedy.
Reality is subjective. It is subjective because, for the most part, the world is a mystery. We have no real knowledge of what happened yesterday, we don't understand what happens today, and we have no clue what will happen tomorrow. Our entire existence is a mystery, and therefore every action and every day of our lives as well, and that fills us with fear. Your mind does not like mysteries. It needs an answer, an explanation for everything, and if one is not given it will provide one on its own. We cannot read the thoughts of others or predict the future, but your mind will make the attempt anyway. We cannot tell what that stranger on the beach was thinking. Maybe he did think you were fat. Maybe he thought you were cute. Or maybe he was just wondering if he remembered to lock his car doors. Really, it doesn't matter what he was thinking, and it shouldn't matter to you.
Realize now...your mind is not your friend, as it exists right now. In most cases, it is your worst enemy. It is the cause of every fear and insecurity, every criminal and tyrant, every road-rager and bully. We are slaves to our thoughts, puppets to its will; not because it is inherently so, or by necessity so, but because we allow it to be so. Beware of it, and be conscious of what it whispers to you. We are stronger than our minds. We are stronger than our emotions, than our feelings. You have the power to change your thoughts, to make them work for you rather than against you. We as humans have that power, but we all too often give it away.
The mind is the perfect medium of society. It is the perfect means of control and coercion. What is society? It is everyone and no one. It is the accumulated belief systems of thousands of generations. It is the country you live in, the media that has access to you, your family, your friends. It is the world you see around you, the schools you go to, the TV programs you watch, the books you read. Everything we know was given to us in some way. There is nothing new in us.
What was the vast sum of our skills, abilities, and knowledge at birth? Eating, sleeping, crying. Did we know then, not to stick our fingers in electrical outlets? No. We were taught it. Did we know the sky was a thing called "blue" and the earth a thing called "round." No. We were shown it. Did we know that we wouldn't be cool unless we dressed a certain way, and hung out with certain people? No. We were told it.
What separates "you," your style, your beliefs, your personality from that of the young kid living in a shack in Africa, barefoot, uneducated, and starving? Everything, right? But really, only one thing separates you from that kid...that you are here and he is there, for if you had been born to his same parents, if you had lived his same experiences, you would share his same thoughts, you would share his same life. You would be him. You are who you are, but could have been any other. The only reason you are not a dolphin, is that your parents weren't born with flippers.
We are the sum of our experiences, the result of our circumstances. We are the product of the society we live, the world that surrounds our little bubbles. You must be conscious of this in dealing with others.
Have sympathy and understanding for the bully who picks on you. He thinks he needs to push around others to feel important in life. He is addicted, as minds tend to become, to the emotional high of seeing others react to him. If others react to him, he must be important. To make himself feel better about himself, he needs to see others feel even worse. But it doesn't make him feel better. Probably he was likewise picked on by others, maybe a father or an older brother, and his mind told him he needed to become violent to cope with his particular reality. One day he'll realize that his actions have driven anyone of quality from his life, that all his friends are jerks like him, that he'll get nowhere in life threatening others. Lose your fear of him, and he loses his power over you. Pity him, and never let him affect you emotionally. He is just who you would be if you were him.
Have sympathy and understanding for the loners in your school. In many ways they feel more safe in themselves; alone and friendless. Their minds have taught them to fear social interactions, for threat of rejection, but they don't realize that those thoughts have already produced that result, for they are rejected. Realize that they, like all humans, simply want someone to like them, to show them kindness, to accept them as a friend. They are simply too afraid to make that happen, too afraid to step outside of their comfort zone, too afraid to even say hello to a stranger. Perhaps you can instead, for you understand that a loner is just what you would be if you were them.
Have sympathy and understanding for the popular kids in school. They follow each other, like chickens with their heads cut off. They dress the same, talk the same, are the same. Their mind's desire to fit in, to be accepted by this circle of people that their mind has labeled valuable, has forced them to give up that which was unique about themselves. They are clones, and they'll find out that being a clone isn't all that it promised to be. Don't fear them as more valuable or cooler than you, don't hate them as better than you, for they are just what you would be if you were them.
Have sympathy and understanding for your parents. It is likely they fight, and quarrel. It is likely that many of them are separated, and if not separated, probably ought to be. They've forgotten the love it takes to raise a child, and the example their actions become to those they are meant to provide for and love.
One day, everyone here today will be gone from the earth. On that day that you go, when you realize there will be no tomorrow, do you really believe that you will waste one thought on the A you didn't get in calculus...or the college that rejected you...on the crush who never noticed you...the boy or girl who broke your heart...or the bully who pushed you around...or the friend that betrays you...the clothes you didn't get to buy...the popular crowd you were never invited to hang out with? Will those be the last thoughts in your head? Or is it more likely that on that day, your mind, the mind which everyday previous had done everything it could to make you a nervous, anxious, and angry person, will finally be silent, and you'll realize that everything it told you was a lie. None of that stuff mattered. It was all an exaggeration. It all meant nothing in the end. Will you realize then that you wasted your life worrying about things you had no control over by letting that which was out of your control control you?
Luckily for us, we needn't wait till that day. We can make that same choice, for that's all that it is - a choice - we can make that choice today. We can decide that we do not care what others think of us in a superficial sense. We can choose to have an unwavering sense of self worth. We can decide that we will not let others dictate our reality. We won't let a snide comment affect us, or a mean-spirited action depress us. We can choose to be strong. We can decide that if the world is what we make of it, we will make it one of positivity, kindness, and affection. We can choose to be happy.
If we make that choice today then on that day when we depart this earth, I am willing to bet I know exactly what you will be thinking: "The world is a wonderful place. Life is a wonderful thing. And I've done everything in my power to make it so, for that was all that was in my power."
Welcome to The Last Broken Home. Welcome the end of your loneliness and depression. Welcome a better Self.
Visit us at http://thelastbrokenhome.com
Adam Alvarado is the founder of, and principal contributor to, The Last Broken Home, a self development blog dedicated to his journey from teen depression to self esteem.
Central to the site is the idea that all people all people, regardless of parental participation and quality, are raised in an environment that in some way proves an obstacle to their full and complete emotional and mental maturity; that the tendency for anxiety and depression, indecision and stagnation found in most adults is best explained through the learned behaviors of their youth, and therefore best addressed there in others.
Find more articles such as this, as well as video articles, at http://thelastbrokenhome.com/