The bullying problem is rampant in our schools and in our society. Our young people suffer on either end of this spectrum. Whether they are bullying or being bullied they suffer from unhealthy relationships with others and with themselves. It results in poor self esteem, inflated, destructive egos and occasionally, tragically we even hear about suicide being the result of this behavior.
Adults seem helpless or ineffective in dealing with this problem. Schools tend to take a"hands-off" blindfolded approach to this very serious issue. Indeed, once it is full blown there are few options. When children have already become bullies, they have been lost to the influence of their elders in many instances. They have shut down, stopped listening, and are making up their own rules. And those rules are cruel and unjust, preying on less powerful personalities than their own. Bullies have often learned to be great deceivers - being able to pull the wool over the eyes of parents and teachers and acting in ways they are expected to behave at times when they are visible. Once on their own and with their peers this behavior changes and the adults in their lives cannot imagine where this "other" child came from or who she is.
It is a disturbing and confusing phenomena and the best way to deal with it is to be pro-active.
First of all, what is the cause of bullying? If we begin at the beginning, pre-school or older toddler age, and observe how children treat each other we may find a clue. Very young children often bully each other. They grab toys they want, they punch and hit and fight when they don't get their way and they don't care a smidgeon about the feelings of the other child.
Older bullies act in exactly the same way. Immaturity is the mark of a bully. The lack of being able to see how his behavior affects his victim and the lack of caring that it hurts is characteristic. Why bother to learn to talk if you're bigger and can just grab what you want or push others around to get whatever you want.
Let's look at young children again for an answer to the reason for this aggression. In the case of pre-schoolers we can see that the reason behind their behavior is twofold: 1. an egocentric personality and 2. A lack of communication skills. This is also true of older bullies.
The key then, is to strike before these bad behaviors are established, and to change them early on. Very young children are impressionable and can learn to change destructive behaviors more easily and quickly. Even though preschool aged children are by nature egocentric, they can learn to understand that other children have feelings much like their own. They learn this as we communicate with them and help them to solve problems in their everyday lives. Instead of punishing them for grabbing a toy or hitting another child, we talk about what to do instead. We communicate with each other what it is we need and how we can meet those needs. We let the children be a part of this process and help establish solutions. We treat conflict matter of factly and focus on solving the problem instead of focusing on the destructive behavior.
Say that two children are fighting over a ball. Instead of the adult taking that ball away and putting them in time out or some other punishment, we sit down with the children. We let each child tell his or her part of the problem and what happened. Then the children suggest how they can solve the problem. We facilitate that conversation. We accept their solutions (as long as they are doable!) and support their process as they carry it out.
The result: a world that contains people who can communicate and solve problems with each other. A world where we understand and care. A world where mature adults can live in peace with each other and bullies are a small minority once again.