The devil made me do it! How many times have you heard that line, or said it yourself? The devil didn't make you do it. YOU have control of your actions and your words. But let's stick with the imagery. Next time the devil whispers in your ear, promptly respond, "Get behind me and don't push." (when he is behind you, he can't whisper in your ear) You've heard the story about the Native American boy who has two dogs inside, one is mean and evil, and the other is good. The mean dog is always fighting the good dog. When asked which one wins, the boy aptly responds, "the one I feed the most." Which dog are you feeding?
The article, Am I a bully? explains how to honestly evaluate whether your conduct toward others is diabolical, or just teasing. Even if you are just teasing, there are ways you can avoid the harm that you may be causing by your teasing. Daniel Harrison... used to tease Courtney almost every day. He had gone to school with her since elementary school. (People Magazine, October 18, 2010, Confessions of a Bully) He would mess up her hair, call her "Shorty", and just do anything to get a laugh out of bystanders. He would say he was a "playful bully" and would bully "with a smile on my face."
One day, on the bus ride home, he took Courtney's hat off her head and began to play hat toss with others standing around, and then he tucked it inside his pants, giving the lewd appearance that it was touching places that were offensive. That was not Daniel's intent, but that is how it appeared as intentional. Courtney began to cry, and when she arrived home she was crying so hard, she couldn't get the words out to tell her mother what happened. Her eyes were swollen from the crying, and she couldn't catch her breath. Courtney's mother was so upset, she immediately called Mr. Jones, the Principal.
Being informed that this was not the first time this had happened, Mr. Jones called Daniel's parents. Daniel's mother was a juvenile probation officer and Daniel was grounded for two weeks from his video games to his own dismay. And then Daniel's mother required one more thing, Daniel had to go to Courtney's home and apologize to Courtney and Courtney's mom. This was the best thing that Daniel's mother could do because when Daniel went to Courtney's house, he was met at the front door by a very angry mother who informed him of how distraught Courtney was about what he did and how she had cried so hard she couldn't even talk. Yes, Daniel apologized to Courtney's mom, and personally apologized to Courtney, and it changed his perspective forever.
Daniel finally saw another side of what he was doing. He saw the hurt that keeps on hurting when the teasing or bullying goes uninhibited. Today, Daniel speaks out against bullying and admits his error as a bully teasing an innocent girl. Daniel and Courtney are great friends today. There is a way for the Bully to feed the good dog, to avoid the suggestions of "the devil." Next time you feel the desire to tease or taunt another, STOP, and change your words to words of edification, words that uplift and encourage, kind words. Be kind to everyone because he or she may be fighting a fight, emotional or mental, that no one sees. Giving kind words instead of harsh words or words that make fun of another will put you on another level of consciousness. I guarantee that you will have more friends by the end of the week than you have ever had, and the good ones, not the ones who de-edify others. (If it doesn't happen, write to me) Your true friends are those who you want to be like, and they want to be like you for the right reasons.
If you are not the bully, but you are observing the bully conduct, you can make a difference with kind words too. Many times a bully is fighting his own bad dog and needs redirection, so your kind words can cause the bully to refocus. Even when it is so very, very hard to find a good word to say, find one. Examples include, "you're too smart to talk like that, try using your kind words", "do you realize how she feels when you say that?", "do you know it takes 3 good words to overcome the result of 1 mean word?" Sometimes bringing humor to the moment can change the momentum, but don't demean the bully, rather encourage good actions and good words.
And the next time you are asked about your actions, don't say 'the devil made me do it', rather, act in such a way that you can always say, "I'm glad I said it."
Deborah is a harassment attorney and has dealt with bullies in the Courtroom for 18 years. She certainly understands bullies in the classroom. She is easy to talk to and welcomes your emails.
Let's make a difference together.