Here are ten tips to communicating with your teen without anger.
1. While difficult to do, for you and me, we need to remember that every time we become angry, we are doing this to ourselves. How so? We need to challenge the false, irrational belief that what others say or do to us, causes our anger, rage and "can't stand it" moments. We must learn to challenge the irrational beliefs that we say to ourselves that are the real causes for our anger. It is our perceptions of the event or what others did or said to us that cause us our anger. Our thinking is the culprit in our anger management. If our thinking is irrational, our feelings and behaviors will be irrational. Do not do catastrophic thinking ("I can't stand it that my smart teen is failing school subjects," or "I can't believe my teen daughter is having sex, how horrible.", etc., etc.) Change the catastrophic thinking with words that become less intense, such as "unfortunate, inconvenient and unpleasant. "It is unfortunate that my smart teen is failing school subjects and there will be consequences(for him), and I prefer he study more, but it's his failures, not mine." Now, without anger, you can approach your teens with an appropriate response. Anger resolves nothing.
2. What is the usual reaction when we project our anger toward our teen? In most cases they retaliate with anger. Now we have two angry people. Will your teen listen to you when you are angry? I don't think so. Express your concerns without anger.
3. In order for our teens to pay attention to us, it is necessary for them to not feel threatened. If our concerns are housed in an angry way, they will become defensive and either respond back with anger or withdraw. We need to keep the lines of communication open.
4. When we recognize that our anger has contaminated the intent of our message, STOP. Agree to continue when both parties or not consumed with anger. It might even be a good idea to continue the conversation in a public place, where we are more likely to stay calm and focused.
5. An angry response to your teen usually involves telling your teen what you don't like about them and what not to do. "You shouldn't have cut school; what were you thinking! I can't believe you did such a stupid thing." The message of what to do is never given. How about this, "I think skipping school to help your friend was inappropriate and could have been handled differently. I could have arranged for the school to give you some time off. I can't help you if you don't communicate or if you lie." This message teaches, as opposed to the one given in anger.
6. In your anger, you are modeling anger. You're teaching that when you don't get your way, anger is the response of choice. This is not the legacy we want to give our teens. There is already too much verbal, emotional and physical abuse in relationships. Do you want to perpetuate more? I don't think so.
7. Understand there is a difference between anger and assertiveness. We don't have to be angry to be assertive, in fact it negates the messages and learning we want to give to our teens. When we believe that our teens have violated our rights, we must be calm, and then assertively, tell the teen how we feel and what we will expect in the future.
8. To reduce your potential of anger toward your teen, never make a demand, instead make a wish. If you don't get your demand, you will be angry, if you don't get your wish, you may just be disappointed. "Bill, you better not hit your sister, you understand!" (a demand) "Bill I prefer that you choose to never hit your sister, and if you do, I will be disappointed in you." (a wish)
9. Also consider that anger may arise not from just the spoken word, but also from non-spoken (sub-vocal) thoughts. We think by using words, even if they are not spoken. So if your thoughts use words that tend to incite anger, then anger is likely.
10. Try to avoid power struggles with your teen. Chances are, you will lose. Let me explain. If your thinking goes this way, "I'm the parent, I have the authority; I'm the parent, I'm smarter;I'm the parent, I control the money; I'm the parent, I control the privileges, etc.,but teens in their determination to get their way in a power-struggle, will act out to prove to you that you will not win! They will drink alcohol when forbitten, see the boy friend who you think is objectionable, go out the window when not allowed to leave the house, etc., etc.
I hope these tips help in controlling parent anger when coping with their teens.
Please read the more explained version of these tips in my book on teens.
Go to http://www.johnmorella.com to see books authored by Dr. Morella, "A Guide for Effective Psychotherapy," (a consumer's guide for mental health counseling) and "Give Teens a break!" (a positive look at today's teens).
A retired psychologist with over two decades devoted to the emotional welfare of children, teens and adults. Sixteen years as an academician at tow major southern universities.
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