In our late teens (16 to 19), we should be aware of our developing sense of identity. Our identity may still be tied up in what's popular at the time, but we should be developing a sense of self. We should be getting a feel for who we are, and who we want to become in the next decade to come.
If this is not the case for you, or your teen, don't fret. Not all of us are on the same developmental schedule, and late-bloomers are common.
If you or your teen do seem to be suddenly facing the end of those important teen years with no idea of who you are yet, then all is not lost.
First of all, take a deep breath. It's important to develop a sense of identity, to know who you are, and who you want to be, so that you can have a sense of continuity in your life. That will help you to find satisfaction in your life. You can't possibly know if you've "made it", if you don't know what "it" is.
Some teens have very supportive parents, and grew up with a strong sense of self, and have been on track to their destiny from an early age.
Some teens aren't so lucky. These teens may not know that they are capable of living their own life. They may identify themselves as the "bad kid", "loud kid", "so-and-so's kid", "so-and-so's brother", etc. and have a very negative or limited view of themselves. Hopefully, by this age, someone has stepped in to mentor a teen who hasn't received the best support from their guardians.
If not, then now is the time to start to repair the negative input from others, and positively seek their own unique identity.
How? First of all realize this: every one of us has the potential to make a difference in and impact on the world. Secondly, realize that if people have been cruel to you, that may not actually have anything to do with you. It may have more to do with them. Look at the negative things that others have said to you, and decide if you have any fault there. If so, there is always room for improvement. If not, why do you think that this person has acted this way towards you? If you think you know, and it has nothing to actually do with you, then take heart in that and know that everyone is wrongly persecuted at one time or another.
Once you can make peace with your not-so-stellar past, you can be present in the now. That's the way to build a firm foundation to lay your future upon. Think about where you are now. What grade are you in? What's expected of you at this age? Are you behind, average, or ahead of the crowd? Make necessary tweaks to catch up to your age group if this is possible.
If your self-esteem is not where it should be, sometimes it's necessary to go back to move forward. Yes, that doesn't sound right, but it is. Think back as far as you can, usually to your late toddler age. What were you like then? Make a list of all of the things that you liked back then, didn't like, and wanted to be. Make another list of accomplishments. Did you win the best costume prize at the kindergarten Halloween party? Write it down! Work from the early years forward to now. Chances are, you'll find a lot of things that you were good at, or liked that may have fallen by the wayside trying to fit in, or catch up.
Then you'll start to get a picture of "who" you are. We all have many facets like a jewel, and people with varied interests usually have a fuller life. When you decide if you still have interest in a thing, try to make time to add that thing back into your life. Did you like to write? Did you like to draw or paint? Did you like to sing or play an instrument? Did you like to make things? Was there a sport you left? Did you read a lot? Did you like to go see others' art? Did you stop listening to a kind of music that you loved? Did you do something outdoors that you miss? If you have gained weight, you can take a walk around the block. You can meet new friends that way, I did. Once you make time to fulfill your self with your own interests, not those of others, you will start to develop a sense of identity.
Once you have a good feel for who you are in the here and now, you can move forward. What did you want to be when you grew up when you were 5? 6? 7? Would you still be interested in that? What would you need to do to pursue that choice? What's your best subject in school? Most people enjoy doing something that they're good at. The direction is 100% yours. Some aptitude tests give you a first, second and third choice of career goals. Once you try a thing, if it's not for you, you can always move on to something else that is. People have switched careers in mid-life, and senior citizens go back to college all the time. There is no time-limit on discovering "who" you are.
Having said that: You are considered an adult at age 18. Unless you are one of the lucky few, you will need to work to afford a car, gas to go in it, insurance to cover it, or bus fare, and the little extras in life that make it fun. You may not be able to have your dream job now. Most of us start out in the restaurant and retail jobs. It's almost like a right of passage. Don't let your job define "who" you are. What we do for money isn't always our passion. I have to work other places to make the money to run my ministry. If you are going to go to college, make an appointment to talk to a counselor, take advantage of any scholarship opportunities and you and your parents research schools and the FAFSA site if you're going to need help with tuition.
So, following these tips, you can pinpoint a direction to head for, set your compass, then set sail for your future. We all start out with the hopes and dreams of a wide-eyed child, but sometimes, people and situations beat us down so far, that we forget how to look up and see those goals that we had in our innocent self-confidence.
When you come to terms with the past, center yourself in the present, and pick a direction to head for in the future, you will find that your identity may have derailed, but was never lost. It's a part of you, and you can always go back and find it. That way, as you continue on in your ship of self, you will always know which is the best course to steer for your own unique journey down the river of life.
Rev. Angelia Schwarz-Coleman, CDCP
Owner/Operator of Works of Heart-Women's Ministry, Outreach and Education.
Associate at Enrich Counseling Center, 8401 Shelbyville Road, Louisville, KY 40222.
Artist and Presenter at the Rainbow Spiritual Education Center, 2701 Lindsay Avenue, Louisville, KY 40206.
Instructor through JCPS Lifelong Learning Program.
Former resident minister and life coach at the Germantown Healing House.
See my site at http://www.worksofheart.bravehost.com/ for my calendar and more info. on me or what I do.